Fruittygore
by Merely Corroborative Detail
Summary: This story starts, like the manga, with Tohru wandering in a forest... but that's where the similarities end. Fruits Basket meets meets Ruddigore... In Mediaeval Japan! Need I say more? No knowledge of Gilbert and Sullivan required... but it helps.
1. Chapter 1

**Tohru:** Hi, I'm Tohru Honda, and I'm the protagonist of this story! Well, kind of… sort of… not really... But anyway: today, our story takes place in Feudal Japan, and it's based on a play I've never even heard about. But don't worry, you can understand it even if you have no idea what it's supposed to be a crossover with! So sit back and enjoy… It starts with me in a spooky forest… with a spooky girl!

**STARTING CREDITS**

Tohru Honda was terrified. The girl in front of her gave a wicked smile and leaned her head slightly to the left. Her general behaviour hinted not at all subtly at utter insanity… And when she spoke, it was in a deranged gleeful whisper that left very little doubts about the matter:

"Have you ever heard…" she said "about the Evil Daimyo of Fruittygore?"

"The Evil Daimyo of Fruittygore?!" cried Tohru.

*Dramatic chords*

*Zoom in on Tohru's horrified expression*

"Yes," continued the now certifiably crazy girl in front of her, with an expression of excessive innocence "the Evil Daimyo of Fruittygore. He's the Lord of this black forest; I'd have thought you'd guess based on the black trees and zombie rabbits..."

Now that the other girl mentioned it, the surroundings did look like they'd been arranged by Blatantly Evil, Ltd; and that didn't make Tohru feel any safer.

"B… But…" she stuttered "I… I thought he was an urban legend?"

The other girl looked at her:

"An urban legend?" she said "An urban legend? The Evil Daimyo of Fruittygore an urban legend? That's… more crazy than I am!"

"It… it is?" said Tohru.

"Well, yes" said the madwoman, suddenly very calm "Whoever heard of an urban legend in rural, feudal Japan?"

"Oh, that's right…" said Tohru "But still… it's very hard for me to believe you… My family always told me the Evil Daimyo of Fruittygore doesn't exist!"

"Ah… " said the madwoman "Then I'll have to prove to you that he does exist!'

"Ontologically?" enquired Tohru.

"Shut up and listen!" said the madwoman.

And Tohru shut up and listened.

"Now, as I was saying…" started the madwoman "a MANY years ago, when I was young and charming…"

"You still are!" said Tohru in a sweet tone.

"Thank you!" said the madwoman in a sweeter tone.

"You're welcome!" said Tohru in an even sweeter tone.

"If you interrupt me again, I'm going to have to hurt you…" said the madwoman in the sweetest tone of all.

"Ok…" said Tohru, with a polite smile.

And then, she really shut up; and the madwoman began her narrative:

"Once upon a time, I was a happy young maid…" she said "I had a non-kitten shaped bag, and I was nearly half sane"

Indeed, she held a schoolbag in the shape of an orange kitten; and in feudal Japan, too. That's quite mad!

"But then… things went wrong…" she continued: "The Evil Daimyo of Fruittygore wooed me, and I, a simple-minded maiden, fell for him at once!"

"Oh no!" cried Tohru.

"Oh yes..." said the madwoman, in a sad tone "But then, because he was so utterly evil, he abandoned me. And I went mad!"

*Sad chords*

"I can see that…" said Tohru "It's a very sad story…"

"It is…" said the madwoman.

"Yes," said Tohru "But I don't see how adding corroborative detail about his evil deeds can possible help me believe that he exists!"

" Oh…" said the madwoman, quite surprised "I hadn't thought of that…"

"Don't worry" said Tohru, cherrily "We all make mistakes!"

"I guess you're right…" said the madwoman "And I don't see why I shouldn't make mistakes; I am after all, Mad Kagura…"

"Mad who?" asked Tohru alarmed:

"Mad Kagura!"  
"Mad Kagura?!"

*Dramatic chords*

*Zoom in on Tohru's horrified expression*

It was Mad Kagura!

"Yes…" she said "I'm mad Kagura…"

"But…" muttered Tohru "I thought you were a legend too!"

"Well, I'm not" said Kagura "And you should seriously reconsider your sources. But now, kind maiden that I've fortuitously encountered in the middle of the woods, I'd like you to help me with something…"

"Yes?" said Tohru.

"I'd like to know where Tohru Honda is"

*Suspense chords*

"T… Tohru Honda?" muttered Tohru Honda.

"Yes…" said Kagura "I want to kill here!"

*Dramatic chords*

**END CREDITS**

**Next time, on Fruittygore:**

**Kisa: **_on a bridge:_ Hiro! The factory's going to explode!

**Yuki: **_at centre stage: _I am your evil twin!

**Akito:** _on mount Doom:_ Kill the hobbits!

** Ayame:**_ in space: _No, Tohru! Don't! Yuki is… your grandmother!


	2. Chapter 2

**Tohru Honda: **Hi again; sorry for that cliffhanger but the idiotic writer had exams. So anyway… back to killing me!

**OPENING CREDITS**

"But…" muttered Tohru "Why on Earth would you want to kill her?"

"Because," said Kagura, with a gleam in her eye "She stole my boyfriend, the Evil Daimyo of Fruittygore!"

"She did?"

"She did! Well, maybe she doesn't know it, but he plans to carry her off today!"

Tohru was shocked

*Zoom in on Tohru's shocked expression*

"Well," said Tohru "That's not true!"

"Yes it is!" cried Kagura "Yes, it is! And she wants him to! She loves him! All mad girls love him… well, at any rate, I do…"

And she seemed quite convinced she did

"Well!" exclaimed Tohru "It is not as you say it is… And I'll tell you why!"

"Why?" asked Kagura, flabbergasted.

*Zoom in on Kagura's flabbergasted expression.

"Behold," she declared, as impressively as she could "I am Tohru Honda. And I have no intention of being killed!"  
*Dramatic chords*

Kagura was discombobulated.

*Zoom Kagura's discombobulated expression*

"Oh…" said Kagura "You are?"

"I am!"

*Dramatic chords*

Now, ignoring all that, at about that point, a pretty young man wandered onto the stage. His hair was black and white –but not like a checker board- and he seemed somewhat lost. Kagura, who had a very nice evil plot going on, felt a tad offended at this interruption:

"Hey!" she said to the black and white but not checker-haired boy "Can't you see I'm in the middle of something?"

"Oh, don't mind me," said the boy, who seemed very absent minded. "I'm just foreshadowing."

And he wandered offstage as he had wondered on.

"Well, that was odd…" said Tohru.

"Yes," said Kagura "Yes, it was… and I'm the crazy mezzo-soprano, so you can imagine what that means. Anyhow, I was about to kill you!"

"Oh, yes!" said Tohru "Or, rather, no! I'm very sorry, but I feel obliged to object: I didn't even believe the Evil Daimyo of Fruittygore existed! How do you want me to steal him from you?"

"I don't know… But why should I believe you?"

"I can sign an affidavit…"

"Oh," said Kagura "I signed an affidavit once… But there's no use in that: it died... Besides, there's no such thing as an affidavit in Rural, Feudal Japan…"

"Are you quite sure?"

"Yes," said Kagura "Quite sure. Now, if I may… Die!!!"

Yet just then, something saved Tohru from the danger pointless, meandering deviation from the plot, not to mention certain death. A far off chorus was suddenly heard. Kagura and Tohru couldn't just yet make out the words, but they were coming closer and closer. The voices of countless, jolly girls resounded through the stage, and Kagura seemed taken aback.

"Them…" she cried, as the voice grew closer "Them! Oh, how I loathe them! Tohru Honda, you are saved by luck, pure luck… But I'll be back… Mark my words, I'll be back!"

Then, in a mad fury, with very appropriate music, Kagura ran away. And Tohru was left alone and terrified, when in came…

**END CREDITS**

**Next time, on Fruittygore:**

**Kyo: **_entering from stage right: _Ha-ha! I have you now, pretty one!

**Kisa: **_on a bridge: _Hiro! The factory's going to explode… Any minute now!

**Akito: **_singing: _I'm so happy with my evil plan,

**Kureno: **_(in a kitchen) _This is lame…


	3. Chapter 3

In came the female chorus, of course! All dressed in shiny, feudal japanese outfits -everything was feudal japanese-, they almost instantly dissipated the dark forest's gloom, filling the atmosphere with light and joy; though Tohru didn't know if it was because of their shiny clothes and goodwill or from a sudden change of heart from the lighting crew.

And of course, they sung -the chorus, not the lighting crew-; and at the top of their lungs, too! And their song ran some like this:

_*Orchestral Intrata*_

_Yuki's fair as bright mayday_

_Yuki's sweet as warmest wine_

_And he isn't even gay_

_Yuki's Prince of Bishie Kind_

By now the singers were everyhwere. They were looking offstage, so they kept bumping into Tohru, and Tohru herself was having a very hard time appologizing over a three-voice female chorus with full orchestral accompaniment.

_Yuki glowing_

_With bishie sparkles say_

_Is anybody going to marry you today?_

Tohru tried to ask them what was going on:

"Excuse me... if I may... please..."

But, unfortunately, she hit on the chorus; and nobody head her, because now they sung even louder.

_Yuki's fair as bright mayday_

_Yuki's soft as warmest wine_

_And he isn't even gay_

_Yuki's Prince of Bishie Kind_

Then the music began a dimnuendo, and it becamse somewhat easier:

_Yuki's fair..._

"I'm sorry, but.."

_Yuki's sweet..._

"If I may..."

_Yuki's the Prince of Bishie Kind..._

"Okay, I'll wait..."

_Of Bishie Kind!_

_*tam tram*_

_*ding*_

It seemed from the cadence that the song was over; and a very nice cadence it was. And so our heroine ventured up to one of the singing girls that seemed to be the leader -her voice was the most obnoxious- and said unto her most politely:

"Hi, I'm Tohru Honda. Could you please tell me what's going on?"

The girl looked at her. And, after much reflection, she declared very solemnly:

"We," she said "Are the Prince Yuki fan club. And we're singing a song about Prince Yuki."

_*dramatic chords*_

"Don't tell me there's another verse..."

"No, no, that was for dramatic purpose," said the girl.

"Are you a glee club too?"

"No," said the girl "We mainly sing to scare off the zombie rabbits... And thatwasn't a glee, it was a chorus."

_*Brief pause_*

"I'm Motoko Minagawa, by the way," continued the girl "Not that I'm going to have any relevance to the plot, but it looks really bad to have all the characters listed by name and just one of them as 'obnoxious Yuki girl'..."

"Well," said Tohru "You could always get listed as part of the chorus..."

"Yes," said Motoko "But it wouldn't have the same glamour to it now, would it?"

"I don't think so..." said Tohru "But why is it that you say that you don't have any plot relevance?"

"Why" said Motoko "Because we only herald the arrival of Prince Yuki!"

"Prince Yuki?"

"Yes... He is the most beautiful, adorable, loveable, not to mention strong boy in all the land. You might have guessed it from the song."

"And he's coming here?"a asked Tohru.

"Why yes," said Motoko "In fact... here he comes: All hail Prince Yuki!"

"Hail Prince Yuki!" shouted the chorus girls, overjoyed to have a line instead of just standing there pretending to be deaf.

And then, a dazzling light filled the scene. Tohru was more than anxious to see who this Prince Yuki was.

Yet when the light died out, we saw that it was not Prince Yuki, but...

The Evil Daimyo of Fruittygore!

_*really, really, REALLY big Dramatic Chords*_

**END CREDITS**

**_Next time, on Fruittygore_**

**Akito: **Kureno... where are my evil eyelashes?

**Kakeru: **We are the knights who say Ni!

**Kureno: **Screw this, I'm going to work for the _Emperor _Akihito...

**Motoko: **Watch out for zombie rabbits... the author has a better memory than you think!


	4. Chapter 4

**Tohru: **I should like to apologize on part of the author for any offended parties... political or otherwise.

**Shigure: **Yeah... We love everybody, but the jokes are just too easy!

**STARTING CREDITS**

*Instead of Prince Yuki, enter Kyo Sohma, the Evil Daimyo of Fruittygore. Shrieks of terror; black fumes; evil music*

The Chorus exclaimed in unison:

"It's the evil Daimyo of Fruittygore!"

Tohru said:

"Kyo is the evil Daimyo of Fruittygore?"

But then she was reminded that she didn't know Kyo yet.

And then, Kyo sung:

_*EVIL orchestral intrata*_

_Oh why am I moody and sad?_

_And why am I guiltily mad?_

_Why, because I am thoroughly bad!_

_You'll see it at once in my face!_

_Oh, are my manners so coarse_

_It's the rage of the cat-boy of course_

_No-one could resist the monster's force_

_At least I did not in my case_

*Chords; chorus, terrified, agrees, and Kyo goes on*

_Oh innocence happy though poor_

_If had been loved, I am sure_

_I should be as good-hearted as you're_

_And I'd speak with "please" and "if I may"_

_Oh, unpleasantness is a disease_

_Brought about by being hated with ease_

_As well as family tragedies_

_And now… if you please, go away_

*Kyo takes a dramatic pose; the chorus flees in utter terror. He is alone with Tohru.*

Tohru then walked up, curiously, to Kyo.

"Now, if I understood well…" she said "You're the Evil Daimyo of Fruittygore?"

"That's the idea, yes…" said Kyo "I own this evil forest."

"That explains quite a few things..." said Tohru.

Tohru felt a tad uncomfortable; but for all his buildup, the Evil Daimyo didn't seem _quite _so bad; and so she went on.

"Are you… quite evil?" Tohru ventured to ask.

"Me?" asked Kyo "Are you kidding? Of course, I'm evil! I steal candy from babies, I kick little puppies, I disobey government regulations on the size of my pool… Why, I even joined the College Republicans last year! I believe I'm very evil!"

*Dramatic chords*

"There's college Republicans in Feudal Japan?" enquired Tohru. "I didn't even know there were colleges in Feudal Japan…"

"Well…" said Kyo "Maybe I haven't _literally _joined them; but if they existed I would!"

"Well, still…" said Tohru "You seem like a perfectly decent person; except for the Republican part… But even they're only evil if you read the New York Times."

"Heh…" said Kyo proudly "I'm a _shareholder _of the New York Times!"

*Dramatic chords*

"Oh my God," said Tohru "You're the devil himself!"

"Actually, no," said Kyo "I'm possessed by a Spirit that makes me commit a crime a day!"

"Is it the devil?"

"No, it's the spirit of the Cat," said Kyo "His third cousin twice removed. Would you like me to turn into him?"

"I'd rather you didn't…" said Tohru.

Then, there was an awkward pause.

"You know…" said Tohru "I still don't believe you're _that_ evil…"

"Didn't you hear my introductory song?"

"I did… But what it basically said was that you acted evil from a lack of love!"

Kyo moved away.

"Lack of love? Yeah, right… I'm a stereotypical villain, I'm evil just _because_… Besides, my angst factor contractually obligates me to reject your rationalisations."

"Oh, but come!" said Tohru "Surely, there must still be some good in you!"

"None whatever!"

"Are you sure?"

Here, Tohru touched his arm. And then, timid music began to play; maybe the Evil Daimyo of Fruittygore wasn't so evil after all…

But just as they were about to sing a duet, Mad Kagura popped in!

"Kyo!" she exclaimed "_What _are you doing?"

Kyo, upon seeing her, changed his tone immediately, and very loudly and clearly said to Tohru, while looking to Kagura:

"Well, madam, I'll have to carry you off now!"

"What?" exclaimed Tohru "But…"

"I'm sorry, no time!" said Kyo "I'm evil remember…"

"I wouldn't want to inconvenience you…" said Tohru "But… Well, I'd rather you didn't abduct me!"

Kyo hesitated for a moment. But then, he looked at Kagura and decided he had to abduct Tohru; and pretty fast at that, because she was getting _quite _angry.

**END CREDITS**

**Next time, on Fruittygore:**!

**Kagura: **I want to _kill _her!

**Kyo: **My eyes are fully open to my awful situation… Wait, why the hell am I talking like that?

**Tohru's Grandfather: **You read all the way here? Wow, good for you!


End file.
